Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by George J. Thompson, Ph.D.
On knowing people
To be a contact professional you must first, of course, be in contact with yourself.
You have to learn to read people carefully.
If you know yourself and you know the opponent, you can win a hundred percent of the time.
If you’re going to work for others and represent them, you must not allow people to push your button or pull your trigger. The question is: how do you build a trigger guard? Know thyself.
Some day you will have enemies. Here’s how you handle them: first, always define. Then name them. Then you will own them.
Treat everyone the same — with respect and dignity — but don’t talk to everyone the same way. Since each person responds differently, based on their makeup and character, you instinctively learn to communicate uniquely to each one.
If you’re having trouble communicating with those from different walks of life, it may be because you’re thinking about yourself instead of about them.
On ego and language
Words should be seen as a way of reflecting meaning, but not ego — you must separate your words (meaning) from your self (ego).
If you allow your ego to get in the way, you will find yourself using your own language instead of the other person’s.
On decoding
How well someone decodes your message is in direct proportion to the effectiveness of your content, coding, and sending. Their decoding is also affected by your demeanor and carriage (voice and body language), external noise (cars, planes, phones, people), and their own internal noise.
People hardly ever say what they mean. If you react to what they say, you make a mistake.
Never react to what people say. React to what they mean.
On listening
Listening is not a natural act. It is highly artificial and artistic. Listening is not the opposite of talking.
Active listening is a highly complex skill with four steps:
- Being open and unbiased
- Hearing literally
- Interpreting the data
- Acting
On identity in conversation
When two people are talking, six different identities are involved — each person’s real self, each person as seen by himself, and each person as seen by the other.
Effective communication begins and ends with your ability to see yourself as you are seen.
On delivery
93 percent of your success with people has to do with your delivery, and only the slightest percent has to do with what you say.
Correct and appropriate tone, pace, pitch, and modulation can help you harmonize your voice with your role.
Camouflaging a tone that would otherwise reveal your true feelings is a key skill.
Frameworks
PAVPO — the five elements of effective communication:
- Perspective
- Audience
- Voice
- Purpose
- Organization
PACE — for navigating difficult communication:
- Problem (the situation you’re in)
- Audience (to whom are you speaking)
- Constraints (obstacles to effective communication)
- Ethical presence (your professional face)